Sunday, February 15, 2009

"Authentic" Jerseys: In case you get called up

The Difference between these two? $200 and your pride

Team jerseys aren't anything to put down; sure, they're really no newer to fans than steroids are to players, but they don't appear to take the "purity" out of the gameday experience. While I prefer to addend the game in more traditional garb, I don't want to bash fashion. What blows my mind though is the idea that by "upgrading" to the "authentic" model, a fan might connect more with the players. Let me give you a hint buddy; the only thing you two have in common is a pending court date.
Don't let it get you down. That

From my limited understanding a fan might gain some extras like "cool mesh", "authentic logos" and (in the case of hockey) "fight straps", but anyone who needs high airflow jerseys to get to their seats, should probably be watching that game from a treadmill instead. Here's an idea for you asshole, the next time you're trying to choose, squeeze yourself into the XXXXL replica (unless you're looking for his jersey, there's no such thing as XXXXL authentic), and use your savings to buy me some nachos... after all half of you is in my seat. Oh yeah, and get a grip on your kid.

My apologies about the earlier draft of this post... it turns out my fat example wasn't a fan, but David Wells... I'm sorry David.

Uggs: They may be shoes "Down Under", but up here our tastes changed with child labor

These things are the Happy Fun Balls of footwear and definitive proof that just because it's cool in Australia doesn't mean it should ever come to North America (I know you're plan Koala...). It's bad enough to wear shoes that you can "Only Brush in one direction", and "deodorize the lining regularly", but when those shoes look like the footies of a Halloween Costume, we have a problem.

Now I'm not saying that bad taste (oh yes, they make them for men; but that's a whole 'nother story).... Anyway, bad taste in itself is a problem; but a product that combines bad taste with more required care than a child should come with it's own straitjacket (I don't have a kid, but I can only assume if I did, child services wouldn't be far behind).

Here's an idea for you kids who haven't yet figured out how to blow your savings by scoring some E: If you want to wear expensive boots, wear something that works. If you want to wear boots while humiliating yourself, at least find a blend that may says something other than "Light cigarettes? How could I lose?". The options abound.

Pringles: If you know what's good for you, you'll get in the bag

Ok Pringles, it was cute at first, you made perfectly symmetrical chips from what I can only assume to be perfectly symmetrical potatoes, and wanted to protect your culinary anomaly. Sure that baby powder dusting you give every chip is something to protect, but get off your high horse, you're making a potato chip, not a contribution to modern medicine.

You've had your day in the sun, and you milked it for all it was worth: you marketed with Brad Pitt, you made baby stacks (what sadistic mom would by just 10 Pringles for her kid?), Pringles Extreme (twice the MSG?), and design your own can. But now there are imitators, and the time for your bullshit is over. These imitations aren't your fault, but they're your reality; now get your sorry ass in a bag before I rip that mustache clear off your face.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Have a Heart Trap: Make up your mind- do you want skunks or Don't you?

We all know the have a heart trap; it's catch and release for backyard pests, and it's a terrible idea on this level, but a fucking stupid idea on this one.  If you want to solve a problem, get this... or this... or this...   When it comes to animals, if you don't get them (and she doesn't get them) they'll get us.  In an eat or be eaten world, there's no room for just a "time out".  

I don't care if you do let them go at your friend's farm upstate; from my experiences skunks are a lot like Britney Spears... you think they're gone, but they find their way back; pregnant and worse than ever.  Besides, what business do you have leaving a family of skunks with your friend.

If you want to perpetuate the problem, join PETA; if you want to eliminate it, see this.  Whatever you do; don't pretend there's middle ground.  That's what he wants you to think.

Sig 22LR Mosquito: Pink.... That's Right, Pink

I wouldn't have believed this one unless I had seen it with my own eyes, but yes... it's out there.  This must-have accessory for 2009 takes the compromise out of the equation between killing power and high fashion.  Whether strutting the runways of Milan, or attending a 6 year-old's birthday party, this little fella will make a statement in any environment.

Unlike many other dumb-fuck products, I was able to find some places where the 22LR could blend in.  She coulda coordinated better; and he coulda been big pimpin instead of just regular pimpin (A problem we have regularly here at the IceAge).  So, whether you're taking some agression out at Barbies shooting range, or just a frustrated babysitter who needs to pistol-whip a crying kid from time to time (it kept me in line), Sig has crafted a product just for you.  Happy Hunting!

Friday, February 13, 2009

Now That's What I call Music: Drowning out the Nonsense with Bullshit

It's amazing how time flies... It seems like just yesterday "That's what I call Music" paralyzed us with the likes of John Wozniak, Colin Greenwood and The Hanson Brothers.  Ten years and dozens of albums later, this franchise continues to hone in on the hottest artists, finding talent such as Chris Brown for their most recent release.  It's this high-brow talent that makes these albums the choice of barefoot teenage mothers everywhere: reminding them of those B-list hits to which their children were concieved.  

From Christmas to Country, Power Balads to Motown, "That's what I call Music" has boiled down every genre to the lowest common denominator.  By removing all individuality from a playlist, and the associated judgement factor, "That's What I call Music" has become as synomous with high school parties as overdone makeup and "sure I'm wearing one".  

As for me, I say fuck "That's what I call Music"... I'll save myself from judgement the old fashioned way; by turing on the radio.

The Snuggie: "But Wait! Call Now and You'll be That Guy!"

A blog that starts with "Made for TV" real inventive... Well I need to get started somewhere, so fuck you.  

Yes, Snuggie is the low-hanging fruit in the world of useless crap, but it deserves mention:  Now the fact that someone built a blanket that allows you to call LifeAlert without exposing your arms to the elements was a forgone conclusion; what makes Snuggie so incredible is this... and this... and this...

When Death Comes Knocking, answer the door in style!

Snuggie is the biggest full body garment craze since we overthrew the Taliban, but does it have the staying power of a Foreman Grill or a Mr. T's Flavorwave (look for this post soon!)?  Only time will tell, but with over 400,000 AARP retirees, librarians and Canadians already signed up, it seems as though the momentum is unstopable. 

I've love to stop the bullshit train myself, but if you dress her up in this psuedo-robe, even I'll forget that I'm being robbed of my favorite show, my $12.95 shipping & handling, and my dignity.